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What We Learned From Last Night’s Episode of Catfish

I can honestly say that I didn’t see this episode coming. When we first heard the rundown of Elijah and Solana, who met on MySpace when they were teenagers, I assumed that because Solana was fairly attractive and neither of them was overweight, they would end up with a happy ending. Which, I guess they sort of did–that is, if you believe a single thing that occurred during the episode.

It’s barely even worth rehashing because their “story” was wildly irrelevant to the skeptical entertainment of last night’s episode. Elijah and Solana, who, dare I say, may be less thinking-inclined than Antoinette, met as teenagers, Elijah disappeared and later reappeared on Facebook and they became friends again. But Solana has a boyfriend named Danny and now she’s torn aaaaand that’s about it.

The Catfish editors must be wizards

Catfish solana elijah

(via MTV)

I don’t know much about television editing, but I do know when I’m being swindled. There are more holes in this story than in Elijah’s face/brain. I obviously don’t expect maximum reality from Catfish but this was rough even for them. It felt like the producers were only able to get like four hours of footage and told the editors to just see what they could do. There is a laundry list of shit that didn’t make a shred of sense.

–Elijah’s brother opens the door when they arrive, he goes downstairs to get Elijah, Elijah comes up and then we NEVER SEE THE BROTHER AGAIN (Which obviously leads everyone with two working eyes to believe that Elijah is just the brother with an awful wig on.)

–Solana the hairdresser doesn’t realize that Elijah is wearing a wig (I mean, it’s definitely a wig, right?)

–Solana Skypes with her boyfriend Danny even though they both live in Delaware

–We also never hear from Danny again

–Max and Nev did opiates off-camera (I ASSUME and that actually makes total)

–Nev said that they stopped searching for Elijah because he didn’t think they were “going to figure it on the internet,” and then literally one minute later Elijah texts Solana and they arrange to meet up.

–Elijah and Solana originally lost contact when Elijah’s mom banned him from MySpace because she didn’t want him talking to strangers. But now she’s totally cool with a stranger with a camera crew coming into her home?

OH OK, GUYS.

What do you call that piercing on Solana’s face?

Catfish solana elijah

(via MTV)

I know this is a question and not a lesson, but I think we can still learn something. What do you say to the piercing person when you walk in asking for this? “I’d like to have my cheekbone pierced.” “Please stick a needle through the middle of my face.” “Face-pierce me, yo!”

We really don’t know anything about Max

Catfish solana elijah

(via MTV)

Exchanging witty banter, as they oft do, Nev and Max joked that nobody knows anything about Max and that it’s Nev, Nev, Nev all the time because baaaahhhh he got Catfished once. Which made me realize, holy shit we really don’t know anything about Max! We know that Nev has a girlfriend and that he got Catfished and that he has an abundant supply of body hair and a difficult relationship with exercise equipment. But what do we really know about our prematurely grey friend Max other than that he can hold a small camera in his hand for several minutes at a time?

I can only assume that this is a set-up for a future episode where Max gets Catfished.

If your hairdresser thinks this is “awesome hair,” get a new hairdresser

Catfish solana elijah

(via MTV)

One more angle.

Catfish solana elijah

(via MTV)

And just so we’re completely clear.

Catfish solana elijah

(via MTV)

Do not get coordinating tattoos with a person who is, for all intents and purposes, a stranger

Catfish solana elijah

(via MTV)

Which is something I always thought to be a sort of unspoken-because-it-doesn’t-need-to-be-spoken rule, but here we are. This was the icing on the cake of stupidity. In the end, Solana decides to stay with her boyfriend Danny but still get’s a hideous coordinating tattoo with Elijah because you can’t be both prudent and like Elijah’s hair. I mean, did she go back to her boyfriend like “I love you boo and also LOL LOL LOL LOOK WHAT I GOT!”

Solana is the new Antoinette.

 

5 thoughts on “What We Learned From Last Night’s Episode of Catfish

  1. Can you imagine being Danny and every time they have sex or she wears a tank top or a bathing suit really anything but a full t-shirt all he sees is that ugly ass tattoo????

    Also MTV released a deleted scene with the entire fam and the brother was there. So one can only assume he just stayed downstairs as to not be around for the awkward. And that hair….not a wig. Lord.

  2. I saw the episode last night (in Italy) and I totally agree with you. This story is full of unanswered questions. 1) the guy wears a wig (but nobody seems to notice). 2) the guy and his “brother” are never seen together. 3) We are led to believe he’s the same guy who posted the video on Youtube, while it’s cleat he’s not.

  3. Elijah talks a lot of rubbish in order to explain the reasons he stopped chatting to Solana (I mean… a guy in his twenties has to obey his mother?) I wonder whether he has some sort of mental issue… either that or we were “catfished”!!

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