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What We Learned From Last Night’s Episode of Catfish

Catfish finally caught its stride for this season with last night’s episode, because you know when Instagram “celebrities,” Boca Raton and a place called Red Neck Heaven are involved, only beautifully painful entertainment can follow.

First we meet Antoinette who is maybe the worst person in the world we’ve ever seen on the show. Antoinette fancies herself an Instagram celebrity while being gainfully employed at an establishment named Red Neck Heaven. Listen, let’s call it what it is: Antoinette is dimmer than the Northeast Blackout of 2003 but she is thin and Internet pretty, so minor props to her for capitalizing on what she can.

Anyhoo, Antoinette “met” a rapper/singer from a group called The Twentys named T-Lights/Albert (a wonderful juxtaposition, isn’t it?) through Instagram and something called Kik, which I’ve gathered is just another tool for The Youth to make poor decisions. How does one describe Albert? Well, imagine if Justin Bieber tripled his douchiness, halved his intelligence and cloned himself. You would end up with Albert.

After a decoy plot involving Albert’s married brother, we come to find out that Antoinette had been talking to the real Albert the whole time. They met and behaved like drunk sophomores at a homecoming dance, eventually sharing an uncomfortable kiss and lying to themselves about their future together. To no one’s surprise, Antoinette and Albert didn’t end up dating after the show because love and crushing vapidity don’t live together.

Antoinette is the millennial all the think pieces are talking about

catfish antoinette albert t-lights

(via MTV)

I finally understand. It all came together for me as I listened to Antoinette say the word “like” INFINITY times. As she admitted that she only enlisted Nev and Max’s help because she was too chicken shit to meet Albert on her own. As she stood BEHIND A BUSH and said “oh my gosh” like she was getting a royalty check while Nev approached a guy she talks to every day. As she displayed absolutely no agency in a situation that she had created for herself. As she used words in exactly the opposite way they’re supposed to be used. As she measured her self-worth in Twitter followers and Instagram “likes.” And here’s the thing about that: If you’re gonna be an Instagram heaux, at least figure out a way to monetize that shit! Get some sort of “modeling” gig. Set up a Paypal so desperate Internet men can give you their money. Something girl, damn

The Twentys are destroying music/humanity

catfish antoinette albert t-lights
(via MTV)

How much do you want to bet that they think that’s the correct way to spell the plural of “twenty”?

It is honestly difficult to explain how awful their music is. I just, I don’t even know where to begin.

Their music is so bad as to be insulting to the very notion of humans creating pleasant sounds with their voices and carefully constructed instrumental equipment.

I’m surprised their Auto-Tune machine hasn’t self-destructed to avoid being associated with them.

Their lyrics are so imbecilic that you can almost hear the desperate screams of the English language begging to be freed from their lips.

I am actually stunned by how horrendous this music is. AND THEY HAD PEOPLE STANDING IN LINE TO SEE THEM PERFORM. People paid money to listen to the living embodiment of drop-crotch pants and cubic zirconia studs play music. I would blame the audience, but they do live in Boca, so I guess you gotta take what you can get. The struggle is real.

Nev and Max are pretty slut shamey

catfish antoinette albert t-lights

(via MTV)

Look, we all knew Antoinette’s game the second we laid eyes on her. She posts provocative pictures of herself on Instagram and gets a lot of attention for it. I’m not saying that this is the most admirable hobby in the world, but if that’s her choice, that’s her choice. She’s 21 years old–if Antoinette wants to walk around in booty shorts then what. the. hell. ever.

Nev and Max, however, felt that it was their obligation to project their own moral judgements onto her. They spent half the episode commenting on her behavior and her (lack of) clothing. Saying shit like: “She definitely is, like, exhibiting herself,” and “Why is there a video of you shaking your ass cheeks right in front of a camera?” Nev even went so far as to try to cover her up with a scarf, which is one of the most condescendingly patriarchal things you can do to a woman.

They tried to argue that with the way Antoinette presents herself, she won’t attract a guy who is interested in her for her brains or for who she is as a person, which, duh. That is quite clearly not her goal–which is fine as long as she knows what she’s doing. And trust, she knows what she’s doing.

Nev and Max even tattled to her dad and launched into a whole conversation about what will happen if future employers see her online history. Please. It ain’t like Antoinette is vying for a seat on the Supreme Court. Shit.  I don’t even like this girl but just let her live. She clearly doesn’t have shit else to do but take pictures of herself so let her be.

What they should have shamed her for were her struggle twerks and overall obnoxiousness, which don’t have a damn thing to do with her clothing choices.

Instagram is not a skill

catfish antoinette albert t-lights

(via and via)

Always worth remembering.

11 thoughts on “What We Learned From Last Night’s Episode of Catfish

  1. You took the words right out of my mouth! I’m glad I stumbled across your link on Twitter. Totally on point.

  2. this episode bothered me. it felt very stale. there was no drama or anything and it ended in a way that seemed incredulous. i definitely think that it was t-lights brother who was behind it all and t-lights covered for him as to not screw his marriage. they never actually go on to say why t-lights has two phone numbers and why his manager doesn’t know it. or why he was sending her screenshots of her instagram pictures, and so on.

  3. (No hate to Antoinette and tlight )
    I thought it was quite funny how they kept saying “how can you carry so much when you barely wear clothes” and that they brought up about the ass cheeks thing. To he honest if I was her father he needs to set some ground rules he’s just letting her show he body to random people and her excuse is she’s just having fun! This is so exact I’m not sending any hate but that Albert guy is probably only ‘famous’ because his parents are rich or something because when he sang acoustic, it was horrible! Plus he didn’t look into her at all he probably text loads of instafamous girls for publicity and it worked since he got to perform on tv.

    She kept saying ‘like’ too much it was driving me insane, think about what you are going to say before you say it instead of stoping half way … Btw your analysis was amazing it took the words right out my mouth !

  4. Pingback: What We Learned From Last Night’s Episode of Catfish | Yo, I'm Just Sayin...

  5. Of course it was the brother the whole time. Nothing else makes sense.
    I normally love the show, but this episode sucked.

  6. Love this! So glad I came across it! However, I loved that Nev and Max were blunt with their thoughts on her attire and internet choices. Calling her dad was too far, but when he put a scarf over her I couldn’t stop laughing! The look on her face was priceless! 😂

  7. This was one of the worse shows of the season. The vapidness of the 2 kills me. I’m just hoping the demographic they aim for watched it and thought “OH GOD I don’t want to be her/them/him” that’s the only saving grace for it.

    Do you honestly think it was the brother? MTV doesn’t care about peoples personal lives so why would they bother covering that up? If a manager says no and it’s really his number then he’s a good manager lol you can’t just give that info out to anyone.

  8. I feel like everything was so staged to ‘promote’ the band and her insta account. I mean the show IS on MTv. And she seemed so unatural. When nev and max talked about the older married brother joshua being the one who msg her, her reaction was just.. WHAT? she was not shocked she looked like she was kinda smiling the whole time

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