Catfish finally caught its stride for this season with last night’s episode, because you know when Instagram “celebrities,” Boca Raton and a place called Red Neck Heaven are involved, only beautifully painful entertainment can follow.
First we meet Antoinette who is maybe the worst person
in the world we’ve ever seen on the show. Antoinette fancies herself an Instagram celebrity while being gainfully employed at an establishment named Red Neck Heaven. Listen, let’s call it what it is: Antoinette is dimmer than the Northeast Blackout of 2003 but she is thin and Internet pretty, so minor props to her for capitalizing on what she can.
Anyhoo, Antoinette “met” a rapper/singer from a group called The Twentys named T-Lights/Albert (a wonderful juxtaposition, isn’t it?) through Instagram and something called Kik, which I’ve gathered is just another tool for The Youth to make poor decisions. How does one describe Albert? Well, imagine if Justin Bieber tripled his douchiness, halved his intelligence and cloned himself. You would end up with Albert.
After a decoy plot involving Albert’s married brother, we come to find out that Antoinette had been talking to the real Albert the whole time. They met and behaved like drunk sophomores at a homecoming dance, eventually sharing an uncomfortable kiss and lying to themselves about their future together. To no one’s surprise, Antoinette and Albert didn’t end up dating after the show because love and crushing vapidity don’t live together.
Antoinette is the millennial all the think pieces are talking about
I finally understand. It all came together for me as I listened to Antoinette say the word “like” INFINITY times. As she admitted that she only enlisted Nev and Max’s help because she was too chicken shit to meet Albert on her own. As she stood BEHIND A BUSH and said “oh my gosh” like she was getting a royalty check while Nev approached a guy she talks to every day. As she displayed absolutely no agency in a situation that she had created for herself. As she used words in exactly the opposite way they’re supposed to be used. As she measured her self-worth in Twitter followers and Instagram “likes.” And here’s the thing about that: If you’re gonna be an Instagram heaux, at least figure out a way to monetize that shit! Get some sort of “modeling” gig. Set up a Paypal so desperate Internet men can give you their money. Something girl, damn.
The Twentys are destroying music/humanity
How much do you want to bet that they think that’s the correct way to spell the plural of “twenty”?
It is honestly difficult to explain how awful their music is. I just, I don’t even know where to begin.
Their music is so bad as to be insulting to the very notion of humans creating pleasant sounds with their voices and carefully constructed instrumental equipment.
I’m surprised their Auto-Tune machine hasn’t self-destructed to avoid being associated with them.
Their lyrics are so imbecilic that you can almost hear the desperate screams of the English language begging to be freed from their lips.
I am actually stunned by how horrendous this music is. AND THEY HAD PEOPLE STANDING IN LINE TO SEE THEM PERFORM. People paid money to listen to the living embodiment of drop-crotch pants and cubic zirconia studs play music. I would blame the audience, but they do live in Boca, so I guess you gotta take what you can get. The struggle is real.
Nev and Max are pretty slut shamey
Look, we all knew Antoinette’s game the second we laid eyes on her. She posts provocative pictures of herself on Instagram and gets a lot of attention for it. I’m not saying that this is the most admirable hobby in the world, but if that’s her choice, that’s her choice. She’s 21 years old–if Antoinette wants to walk around in booty shorts then what. the. hell. ever.
Nev and Max, however, felt that it was their obligation to project their own moral judgements onto her. They spent half the episode commenting on her behavior and her (lack of) clothing. Saying shit like: “She definitely is, like, exhibiting herself,” and “Why is there a video of you shaking your ass cheeks right in front of a camera?” Nev even went so far as to try to cover her up with a scarf, which is one of the most condescendingly patriarchal things you can do to a woman.
They tried to argue that with the way Antoinette presents herself, she won’t attract a guy who is interested in her for her brains or for who she is as a person, which, duh. That is quite clearly not her goal–which is fine as long as she knows what she’s doing. And trust, she knows what she’s doing.
Nev and Max even tattled to her dad and launched into a whole conversation about what will happen if future employers see her online history. Please. It ain’t like Antoinette is vying for a seat on the Supreme Court. Shit. I don’t even like this girl but just let her live. She clearly doesn’t have shit else to do but take pictures of herself so let her be.
What they should have shamed her for were her struggle twerks and overall obnoxiousness, which don’t have a damn thing to do with her clothing choices.
Instagram is not a skill
Always worth remembering.