Season 3 y’all! Is anyone else amazed that Catfish is still on the air? Not because it isn’t entertaining, but how are they still finding people in these situations? Don’t think too deeply about that, it ruins the fun.
To kick things off we have Craig, who is very, very tall and “too nice.” (I hate that term, by the way, “too nice.” When we say that what we really mean is that the person is either dumb, mad gullible or a pushover.) He has been talking to a girl named Zoe (rhymes with Yo because, fuck English) who he “met” through some friends of his sister. Whatevs. Craig tried to video chat with Zoe four times, she ditched him each time, blah blah blah you know the drill.
Zoe turns out to be a young lady named Cassandra who does not give a fuckity fuck about a. single. thing. Cassandra essentially admitted to bullying people over the internet, never having feelings for Craig and strangling puppies. However,
the producers Nev and Max broke her down at the end when she admitted that she lashed out at others because she used to be bullied herself. Ok girl.
MTV got a new graphic designer
Who is churning out some quality images.
This is supposed to be Nev’s inbox–Nev’s unfathomably organized inbox.
Get it? GET IT?
IF ONLY IT WERE SO SIMPLE, NEW GRAPHIC DESIGNER, IF ONLY IT WERE SO SIMPLE.
Florida is still the breeding ground of catfishes
Zoe was purported to live in Florida, so Nev, Max and Craig headed down to Jacksonville only to later discover that Zoe/Cassandra actually lives in North Carolina, which still feels very Florida, ya know?
Fact: If Florida weren’t a state, this show wouldn’t exist.
Max is going hard in the paint with the ziiiiiingers
The group was none too thrilled with Zoe/Cassandra’s online bullying, which included putting young women “on blast” and posting shadily acquired photos of them in lingerie.
I have to pause for a minute and discuss these photos. Our friend Kayln (alkdjflaksjdla) told a completely incoherent story about how Zoe/Cassandra got the “nude” pictures of her and threatened to post them before just going ahead and doing it. Now, this is no fault of Kayln’s own, but I do have to ask how her “nudes” ended floating around all over the damn place to the point that some random ass chick in North Carolina ended up with them. THAT’S the mystery I wanted solved.
Anyway, Max did not like Zoe/Cassandra’s behavior and boy did he let us know it…over and over and over again:
“She’s kind of like a social media bully.”
“It’s a real live Gossip Girl.”
“She’s a catfish terrorist.”
“She’s a bomb.”
“You gotta dismantle the bomb.”
I feel like Max said the word “BOOM” in his head after every one of these lines.
Nev knows exactly what’s up
When they arrived unannounced at Cassandra’s home in North Carolina, she turned to the curious group of strangers and their accompanying production crew standing on her lawn and asked how they knew her address. Nev responded: “It really wasn’t that hard actually.”
It. Really. Wasn’t. That. Hard. Actually.
Finding these people’s addresses is basically Nev’s entire job which he admitted isn’t that difficult at all. Now, we’ve obviously all known this for quite some time, but hearing Nev admit it on his own show was a special kind of hilarity. Nev stood there and acknowledged that what he and Max do requires nothing more than moderate computer and internet literacy. Although, maybe the joke’s on us, because none of us have major television shows due to a cursory understanding of Google searches.
They’ve run out of ideas and gullible people
We all figured this would happen eventually. One, because the show just is too popular and two, because Catfish focuses on American millennials in the year 2014. At this point, I have to believe that 90% of the people who still get catfished are doing it on purpose. And honestly, I don’t really mind that, but if these people are going to make shit up, they need to be better liars and actors and they need to concoct more ridiculous story lines.
Bonus: Something called Chatfish now exists
WoooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOO talk show spin-off time, guys! I did not watch Chatfish, which came on directly after Catfish, but I think, I THINK, I get the gist.